“Twilight should be considered “inappropriate” by they’re [sic] standards.”
“Well, Twilight does do some seriously inappropriate things to the English language.”
(a Facebook exchange about my previous post, on “inappropriate” books for kids.)
My original plan was to liveblog Twilight chapter-by-chapter, much the way I have been doing with Atlas Shrugged. Turns out, though, that Twilight isn’t really amenable to one-post-per-chapter mockage. Not because there’s not plenty to mock – holy Mormon vampire cow, is there plenty to mock – but because nothing really happens in these chapters. Seriously. I’m not entirely sure why this book has “chapters” at all.
(I’m also really not sure why this book is a novel and not a short story, nor how it got published in the first place. If I’d known it was this easy, I’d have de-copyright-infringed my X-Files fanfics back when I was fifteen and submitted them to be turned into bestsellers. But I, as usual, digress.)
Here, then, is Everything You Need to Know About Twilight, Chapters 2, 3, 4, and 5:
Chapter 2: “Waah, my second day at sucky Forks high schools also sucked. Where is that hot guy who hates me? I shall date none other!”
Chapter 3: Edward saves Bella from being hit by a car. Damn! I was really hoping for a quick ending to this crapfest.
Chapter 4: “I can’t stop dreaming about Edward! He’s dreamy! But when I’m awake I still pretend I don’t like him, for some reason.”
Chapter 5: Edward saves Bella from biology class. Because that stuff will totally bore you to death.
The first five chapters of this book took up seventy pages, according to my e-reader. Seventy pages of 325. Oi.