Stephenie Meyer seems to be on a pattern: One chapter with content, two or three chapters with no content, one chapter with content…. Seriously, you could read this whole book in a fraction of the time by only reading certain chapters. And that is the only thing Twilight shares in common with Moby-Dick.
Well, and some obsessive-abusive behavior. So that’s two things.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled snarking. Here are Chapters 7, 8, 9 (no content!), and 10 (content!) of Twilight:
Chapter 7: Bella Googles “Edward Cullen vampire” and is shocked bored to find out that’s actually a thing.
Chapter 8: Bella nearly gets assaulted. Edward saves her.
Chapter 9: Bella tells Edward that she knows he is a vampire. Edward tells Bella that since it’s absurd for a 100+-year-old forever-teenager to fall in love with a girl he can’t even legally have sex with in 20 states (that, as Bella and her Richard-Feynman-grade math skills would tell you, is 40 percent of the states), it’s time for her to get off his lawn.
Instead, Bella falls madly in love with him. Git.
Chapter 10: “Dear Diary,
Today I demonstrated my hopeless and irrevocable love for Edward Cullen by insulting him to his face and then accepting a car ride to school with him as if it were a wet dog pelt. I gossiped like crazy about him in not one but two classes (I’m already fluent in both English AND Spanish, ffs!), even though Edward told me he totally reads minds and would be scanning mine and my friends’ constantly to ensure their content met with his approval. I mean, that’s not the kind of creepy abusive stalkerish red flag that will come back to bite me in the ass, right?
Then, when he asked me to sit with him at lunch, I conformed perfectly to heteronormative patriarchal female gender norms by selecting only an apple, but not actually eating it. Also, in order to play “hard to get” (a flirting technique I picked up from reading scholarly monographs on human sociosexual behavior, aka my “light reading”), I insulted Edward’s eating habits. Then I insulted my own incomparable looks, because I think Edward has terrible taste in women if he can bear to cast his eyes upon my form without puking. OMG, Diary, I am soooo in love right now!
Anyway, then Edward and I played a game of “No, I love you more,” which of course I let him win so as not to intimidate him with my superior intellect. And I realized something, Diary: the only way to ensure Edward never leaves me is to play head games with him and endanger my own personal safety! It’s my last chance at love, Diary! If I turn 18 without a ring on my finger, I’ll be doomed to die a spinster!
That’s how I knew that when Edward said he would control me like a puppet, I smiled and told him he could take me anywhere he wanted this weekend, including a city to which I had never been before and had no definite arrival or departure plans with regard to, and no one would ever know because I would deliberately not tell my father about any of our plans. Then (and omg diary it was soooo sexy!) Edward doubled down, telling me that if I went anywhere alone with him, I might never come back.
I said, “I’ll take my chances.” Take that, other sucky Forks high school girls whose names I can’t even think of right now!
Love (but not as much as for Edward!),