The Ylphybyt

Apropos to nothing, here is an excerpt from the satire on fluffy-bunny “Wicca 101” books I was, apparently, working on in undergrad.  I gift unto the world: the Ylphybyt!

The Ylphybyt

Are you at a loss as to how to conceal the secrets of your most anciente religion from the world – but still look cool doing it?  Been struggling for months – nay, weeks to grasp that silly squiggly but oh-so-mysterious Theban Alphabet, to no avail (how ever did those Thebans manage)?  Well, study no more, for at last the easy (and therefore Truly Witchy™) answer is here!  May I present: The Ylphybyt!

The Ylphybyt offers the following features:

*Easy to use

*No need to remember “I before E” or any other silly rules

*No fear of invoking icky demons through careless misspellings

*It’s portable – No large books to haul around

*Looks properly ancient and mysterious

*Guaranteed to be incomprehensible to the unenlightened hordes

The key to the Ylphybyt is to replace every vowel with the letter “y.”  It’s that simple!  See how the use of this ancient yet simple system can change any work into a mysterious Ode to the Gods:

“Yyps, Y dyd yt ygyyn,

Y plyyyd wyth yyyr hyyrt, gyt lyst yn thy gymy, yy byby byby

Yyps, yyy thynk Y’m lyvy, thyt Y’m synt frym ybyvy,

Y’m nyt thyt ynnycynt.”

Not only does this transformation instantly cloak your work in an air of ancient mystery, it’s also historically accurate.  In the Middle Ages (back when your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother was being burned for your sacred witchy beliefs), vowels had only just been created by the evil Church.  Anyone who desired to follow the Ancient Snuggly Goddess Religion of their ForeMothers wrote in “y”s only.  Of course, this made them much easier to identify, but their horribly painful sacrifices ensured a world where you can write in the same style they used and achieve almost total obscurity and ignorance!

Just look at what a few of our devoted fans are saying about the Ylphybyt:

“The Ylphybyt has made my life so much easier!  My teacher used to yell at me for not being able to spell, but once I wrote my term paper in the Ylphybyt, I managed to make her read a magic incantation that would turn her into a toad!  It didn’t work, but the two weeks I spent in detention were more than worth it.”   ~Ravenstar Sunchips

“People used to laugh at me because, being able to read, they knew more about my religion than I did.  Now who’s laughing, you book-learning bastards?  Huh?”  ~Stomping-Centipede Mc’Moon::Puff

“I swear I don’t know who blighted the mayor’s cattle!  Stop burning me!  Ow!”   ~your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother

With rave reviews like that, who can resist?  Try the Ylphybyt today!

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About Dani Alexis

Dani Alexis is the Legal Coordinator at Autonomous Press as well as a freelance writer. When she's not working, she coaches winterguard and waits on the whims of two spoiled cats. Check out her most recent work by subscribing to her Patreon: http://www.patreon.com/noncompliantspace.
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