As we all sit around waiting for the polls to close and the midterm election results to come in, allow me to introduce you to my favorite candidate in this year’s race:
Pippa is young. Some say she is too inexperienced to hold public office. Others point out that she is a cat.
It’s true that Pippa is young. And a cat. But her platform offers hope to millions of Americans. Just look at her positions on:
Enact a 7-day nap week. Emphasize America’s skills in the lap-creation industry.
Make “Feed Pippa” day a national holiday. Also, make every day “Feed Pippa” day.
Any border wall must include a door, which is to be left open at all times. If the door is closed, a concierge must be assigned to it 24/7 in order to open it for anyone who wants to go in. Or out. Or in. No, out. Wait, let’s just stand in the middle for a while.
Make it easy and affordable for Americans to see their vet, especially for cases of flea infestation. Americans will not, however, be required to like their vet.
Institute universal basic snuggling.
Legalize catnip for cats ages 3 months and older. Tax sales of catnip and use the funds to pay for education. Humans need training for the most in-demand jobs of today, such as opening cat food cans.
Create a fair, organized system for other countries to shower us with gifts, mostly in the form of tuna, catnip mice, and that really nice kind of hairbrush.