Friends, I’m not made of stone. I know when I have reached my limits. And I have reached my limits with this raccoon:
LOOK AT HOW RIDICULOUS THIS RACCOON IS. LOOK AT IT.
I didn’t even want this raccoon. This raccoon climbed my husband while we were splitting wood last October, and he begged me to keep it. Sure, his words said “it’s up to you” but his eyes said “please?!?!”
Anyway, this raccoon is genuinely terrible. For instance:
“Don’t eat the plant,” I said to the raccoon.
“Eat the plant and then go to sleep,” the raccoon heard.
This raccoon’s primary skill is destroying household objects. If there were a Destroying Household Objects Olympics, this raccoon would win every gold medal. Those gold medals would be awarded before the opening ceremonies even began. “This raccoon is the only destroyer of household objects humanity will ever need,” the International Destroying Household Objects Olympic Committee would say. “Just give this raccoon all the medals so it can destroy them on the ride home.”
Which is great, because this raccoon will NEVER win an Olympic medal in napping:
Look at this hot mess? Is this some kind of joke?
You have to be punking me here, raccoon. Do you not even understand how to sleep?!
This raccoon’s butt is also made of velcro and sadness. For some reason, this raccoon has to stick its sad velcro butt to my side at all times:
Which would be fine, except that, like most raccoons, it eats trash. Its consumption of trash is directly proportional to the amount and quality of raccoon food in its food bowl. Full bowl of premium raccoon food = trash hoover.
Also, it farts. And raccoon farts are the WORST.
All of which is to say that if you have a large home that needs to be totally destroyed, if you have a dog or small child that needs to be permanently traumatized, or if there just aren’t enough atomic critter farts in your life, THIS IS THE RACCOON FOR YOU.
Next time, we are getting a cat.
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