(For an explanation of this project and links to previous volumes, see the master list.)
In Volume 6, I complained about how Boomer-era carols have dominated the airwaves for my entire remembered life, the start of which postdates the 1960s by over a decade.
Fortunately, here in The Year of Our Billboard Artists Two Thousand and Ten and Nine, the dominance of the 1940s-1960s era carols is wavering. Pop artists have been unleashing original Christmas tunes in droves over the past several years. None of them have come even close to catching up to Mariah Carey, and many of them are terrible in their own genre-specific ways. But I applaud the effort nonetheless.
To encourage the creation of new popular Christmas songs, I thought I’d contribute to the genre. I imagined myself as a peppy 19 year old, sitting in my dorm room with a laptop and a guitar, convinced at my own ability to become the next pop star by combining instruments in ways that surely have never been done before*, over one of the most well-known chord progressions in pop music.**
The result is poised to be the new “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” In keeping with my irrepressible guitar-toting persona, I named this tune “The Christmas Heart Song.” I fully expect, however, that it will become better known by its most recognizable line, “In Christmas, hot damn.”
The Christmas Heart Song (In Christmas, Hot Damn)
Every heart sang soft tonight,
as another wish came true for me.
Every breath, baby, gave to me
A wonderful life where nothing
Seems to be nice,
With a toy on his beard,
Oh hey Santa,
Bathing suit special,
Reason for my own guitar.
Everyone would have a family,
In Christmas, hot damn, we all share,
In Christmas hot damn,
Throughout the year we have love.
*: It’s been done before.
**: I-V-vi-IV, if you’re wondering.