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The Stars Are You: Predictive-Text Horoscopes

I have spent the last week with what might be COVID-19.

I say “might be” because although my spouse (who also had a fever, coughing, shortness of breath and chills) was tested 10 days ago, we still do not have test results.

I’m not quite back up to speed after a week of Schrodinger’s Coronavirus, which means more predictive text instead of me actually doing research or giving advice.

I uploaded the top 20 Google search results for “weekly horoscopes” into Botnik. Here’s the median horoscope for each sun sign for the week of April 13, 2020.

predictive horoscopes

Aries

You’re experiencing motivation to get lost in power. You might suddenly increase productivity if you don’t volunteer for anything.

Important decisions are working against your sense of humor. Avoid decorations.

Taurus

You’ve always wanted to indulge your feelings about discrimination, but others will appreciate it if you don’t. Allow yourself to think of your money today, because you will enjoy it.

All your options are more emotional than kids. Go online via Skype to feel sexy.

Gemini

This week begins as a major personal evolution finds everyone but you. Your job is not rationally possible: It doesn’t respect sexting.

If you don’t allow the stars to take over your life, you may not get lucky. Try channeling yoga.

Cancer

This time, feeling heard is possible – it just isn’t enough. People who dwell on social distancing and make financial decisions become anxious.

Your relationship with Friday night is impossible. Thousands of hot people are telling you to cut it out.

Leo

Fiery Mars tussles with wayward Uranus. That’s because today you’re single.

Karma powers your work today, always up for a little extra action. That life you need is basically too much.

Virgo

Virgo, this weekend finds you sending people your life advice again. Just once, could you stop?

Subjecting yourself to others is going to require your creative fantasies to stay hidden. That’s because you can’t be honest about your ambitions without a good reason – like the bleak future that waits for you.

Libra

September is not, rationally, a thing anymore. Soon you may find that this is all you have.

No desire for someone will be more emotional than your love for diplomacy. As corny as it sounds, just because you’re adaptable to karma doesn’t mean you can make anything happen.

Scorpio

Life might feel frightening, because your partner is basically guaranteed to push you into a major accident. Drop them,

Plenty of chances to explain yourself will follow you this weekend. Among people, you feel eager to connect, but don’t let that override your vision of the world.

Sagittarius

Strategic thinking, starting tonight, deepens your relationship with humor. Life is your forte.

A new job materializes and immediately destroys human courtesy. Renovations between yourself and others will benefit you less than you need.

Capricorn

Are you approaching your own work without feeling super chatty? During this period of self-adjustment, impossible problems will dramatically increase.

Your productivity is valuable but ultimately heavy. Choices you make should be wise, but you won’t.

Aquarius

Seldom have so many people told you, “Don’t pay for expert knowledge,” yet you instinctively put your money into spiralling products. Today could be significant.

Instead, become unavailable to your inbox. Brainwaves like this one could enable you to initiate important conversations with others.

Pisces

Today your chart requires you to undergo uncertainty about something that you should do. The more you feel protective of yourself, the less your energies will telescope.

Especially during Tuesday, text messages for yourself to your crush. Life is pretty high, and you don’t have many enjoyable months left.


I am not an astrologer and this is not advice. Please do not let a Markov chain inform your choices this week. 

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  1. Pingback: The Stars Are You: Predictive-Text Horoscopes — Dani Alexis | Lost Dudeist Astrology

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