satire, fiction and humor, the stars hate you

The Stars Hate You, Vol. 2: Grab Bag

So much astrology, so little time.

This installment of The Stars Hate You features wanderlust, career advice, and the dulcet song of destiny.

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What do you do if an astrologer tells you to avoid your birthplace, but you don’t know where you were born?

The only thing to do in this instance is to avoid every place. Any one of them could be your birthplace. You just don’t know.

Normally, I’d recommend that you consult the keepers of the ancient scroll Your Birth Certificate for help ascertaining which cursed borough to avoid. Unfortunately, the stars inform me that everyone who might know where you were born was wiped out in the Potato Stampede of 1976.

My condolences. Maybe try heading for Thebes?

Can any astrologer predict my career, foreign living, partner and marriage? My date of birth is [personal information redacted].

I don’t know if any astrologer can predict your career, foreign living situation, partner and/or marriage. I, however, can make the following predictions with a level of confidence:

Career: You will do some work you find very fulfilling and some work you find boring, perhaps even insulting. You will do it because you like to eat food and sleep in a place that isn’t a park bench or a highway overpass. You may not always be able to make all these things work out at the same time, or maybe you will.

Foreign Living: You will live abroad, or you won’t. Wherever you end up, some things will be very strange to you and others very familiar. You will experience the true wisdom of the ancient proverb, “Wherever you go, there you are.”

Partner: You’ll have one or more, unless you don’t. Experiences with partners or the pursuit of partners will teach you much about the need for self-reliance and self-confidence, but you may decide to ignore these lessons or pretend you never heard them. Lots of people do that. They’re usually not very happy.

Marriage: Your marriage situation will depend on your partner, or partners, or lack thereof. The stars say it’s too soon to ask about marriage when you’re still trying to figure out if you’re going to have a job, live in a place, or know people.

What year will I be married if I am born on [month and day redacted] 1995 in [place redacted]?

The stars predict you will marry at some point between 2015 and the end of your natural life. The stars say the end of your natural life could come at any moment, but is less likely to happen quickly or unexpectedly if you avoid major risks, like skydiving, eating raw shellfish, and investing in multi-level marketing schemes.

The stars were extremely concerned that I warn you about the multi-level marketing schemes.

How will I see my destiny or my “soul & life purpose” based on my natal chart?

The stars say that’s none of my damn business.


There’s more wise advice where this came from. Buy me a coffee or ask a mystical question in the comments for mystical, caffeinated answers. Or read the rest of the series.