I tried to buy a box of crackers yesterday.
The cheapest available option for crackers I can actually eat was $9.69 for a 4.5-ounce box. No, none of those decimals are misplaced.
That’s more than twice what crackers cost me two years ago. It’s also more than I’m willing to pay for a box of crackers.
So I came home crackerless, and on the drive it occurred to me: Surely recipes for crackers must exist? After all, our pioneer ancestors didn’t have grocery stores? Yet they did have a need for carb products that would transport well?
I made hardtack as a history class project in middle school, I reasoned. Surely I can make a cracker.
Folks, it turns out making crackers is easier than you’d think.
Screw You, Predatory Inflation, I’ll Make My Own Crackers
Prep Time: 10 minutes. Bake Time: 20 minutes. Smug Self-Satisfaction: Eternal.
- 1 Tbsp melted butter (or nondairy equivalent)
- 1 tsp olive oil
- 1/2 tsp honey (or vegan equivalent)
- 1 cup flour (any gluten-free option will also work)
- 1/2 tsp salt
- 1/2 cup water
Tools of Resistance
- Oven that will reach 400F
- Medium bowl
- Spoon, scraper, or other stirry thing
- Something to melt butter in
- Measuring spoons/cups
- Parchment paper
- Rolling pin or pinquivalent (I used a wine bottle!)
- Very Sharp Knife
- Baking sheet
Stick It to The Man
- Preheat oven to 400F. Grab your medium-sized bowl.
- Mix the melted butter, olive oil, and honey together in said medium-sized bowl.
- Throw in the flour and the salt.
- Add water a little at a time, stirring until the dough sticks together and is not crumbly. Different flour types need different amounts of water. You may use as little as 1/4 cup or as much as a 1/2 cup, maybe more.
- Put a sheet of parchment paper on your baking sheet. Put the dough on this. Put a second sheet of parchment paper on top. (Trust me, you want both.)
- Roll out the dough until it’s 1/8 inch thick. Or thinner. It needs to be flat-flat, is what I’m saying.
- Remove the top layer of parchment paper. Use a Very Sharp Knife to draw lines so your dough has a 1.5-inch grid on it. Don’t separate the squares, just draw them.
- Sprinkle with more salt if you so desire (or don’t if you don’t).
- Bake at 400F for 10 minutes. Open the oven and rotate the baking sheet. Bake for another 15-20 minutes. You want the edges to be brown.
- LET THE CRACKERS COOL. This is important. Take it from me and my burned fingers.
- Break the crackers apart along their grid lines.
These taste like saltines, but without the overtones of cardboard and sadness. I assume you can add rosemary or onion or whatever to them for additional Flavors, but I haven’t tried this yet.
My first batch lasted all of four hours with only me in the house, so…consider making more than one at a time.
Never buy crackers again. Good job, predatory inflation. You played yourself.
Help me buy cracker ingredients: leave me a tip.
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