Predatory Inflation Drove Me to Making My Own Crackers

I tried to buy a box of crackers yesterday.

The cheapest available option for crackers I can actually eat was $9.69 for a 4.5-ounce box. No, none of those decimals are misplaced.

That’s more than twice what crackers cost me two years ago. It’s also more than I’m willing to pay for a box of crackers.

So I came home crackerless, and on the drive it occurred to me: Surely recipes for crackers must exist? After all, our pioneer ancestors didn’t have grocery stores? Yet they did have a need for carb products that would transport well?

I made hardtack as a history class project in middle school, I reasoned. Surely I can make a cracker.

Folks, it turns out making crackers is easier than you’d think.

Screw You, Predatory Inflation, I’ll Make My Own Crackers

Prep Time: 10 minutes. Bake Time: 20 minutes. Smug Self-Satisfaction: Eternal.

Ingredients

• 1 Tbsp melted butter (or nondairy equivalent)
• 1 tsp olive oil
• 1/2 tsp honey (or vegan equivalent)
• 1 cup flour (any gluten-free option will also work)
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1/2 cup water

Tools of Resistance

• Oven that will reach 400F
• Medium bowl
• Spoon, scraper, or other stirry thing
• Something to melt butter in
• Measuring spoons/cups
• Parchment paper
• Rolling pin or pinquivalent (I used a wine bottle!)
• Very Sharp Knife
• Baking sheet

Stick It to The Man

1. Preheat oven to 400F. Grab your medium-sized bowl.
2. Mix the melted butter, olive oil, and honey together in said medium-sized bowl.
3. Throw in the flour and the salt.
4. Add water a little at a time, stirring until the dough sticks together and is not crumbly. Different flour types need different amounts of water. You may use as little as 1/4 cup or as much as a 1/2 cup, maybe more.
5. Put a sheet of parchment paper on your baking sheet. Put the dough on this. Put a second sheet of parchment paper on top. (Trust me, you want both.)
6. Roll out the dough until it’s 1/8 inch thick. Or thinner. It needs to be flat-flat, is what I’m saying.
7. Remove the top layer of parchment paper. Use a Very Sharp Knife to draw lines so your dough has a 1.5-inch grid on it. Don’t separate the squares, just draw them.
8. Sprinkle with more salt if you so desire (or don’t if you don’t).
9. Bake at 400F for 10 minutes. Open the oven and rotate the baking sheet. Bake for another 15-20 minutes. You want the edges to be brown.
10. LET THE CRACKERS COOL. This is important. Take it from me and my burned fingers.
11. Break the crackers apart along their grid lines.

These taste like saltines, but without the overtones of cardboard and sadness. I assume you can add rosemary or onion or whatever to them for additional Flavors, but I haven’t tried this yet.

My first batch lasted all of four hours with only me in the house, so…consider making more than one at a time.

Never buy crackers again. Good job, predatory inflation. You played yourself.

---

Help me buy cracker ingredients: leave me a tip.