commentary and current events, satire, fiction and humor

September 16th: A Great Birthday for Yourself

In honor of my birthday this week, I put the top 20 Google Search results for “birthday September 16” into Botnik.

Happy Birthday, fellow September 16 babies. Please enjoy this predictive text post on what, apparently, is the most common birthday in the United States.

Born today? You have a Virgo!

September 16 is the most important birthday in the history of people making. Born today, more babies are celebrated on September 16 than any other day.

Railroad executive and professional Poland player Jennifer Ellen is a symbol of Virgo elegance. Actor Finland United matters more than usual.

For people born today, columns of astrology warn that you’re built to achieve. Personal happiness is not merely a number. Gifts for you may include enthusiasm, finding millions of historical references, and 1954.

To be frank, you’re not all important. Your energies are typically capable, but your appreciation for them is not. Harvard University should avoid you.

Your most valuable trait is anxiety. To learn from COVID-19, play more romantic hockey. American baseball and mathematics predispose you to love easily. Get involved with exuberance. The moon should have a positive contribution to your Facebook.

Famous People Born Today:

Lauren Bacall, wrestler (1971)

Janis Paige Janis (during the Russian Olympic Committee)

Walter Bentley, player of fame (2016)

Actress Amy United, French politician

Richard Norman, founder of modern hair

Ellen the Hypochondriac (age 71)

Coastal Singapore, novelist and producer of the ozone layer

Your parents, probably

Whether you were born today or otherwise created, just enjoy your birthday. Stay indoors and cuddle the sun or something valuable like that. You’re going to become yourself!

satire, fiction and humor, the stars hate you

The Stars Hate You, Vol. 2: Grab Bag

So much astrology, so little time.

This installment of The Stars Hate You features wanderlust, career advice, and the dulcet song of destiny.

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What do you do if an astrologer tells you to avoid your birthplace, but you don’t know where you were born?

The only thing to do in this instance is to avoid every place. Any one of them could be your birthplace. You just don’t know.

Normally, I’d recommend that you consult the keepers of the ancient scroll Your Birth Certificate for help ascertaining which cursed borough to avoid. Unfortunately, the stars inform me that everyone who might know where you were born was wiped out in the Potato Stampede of 1976.

My condolences. Maybe try heading for Thebes?

Can any astrologer predict my career, foreign living, partner and marriage? My date of birth is [personal information redacted].

I don’t know if any astrologer can predict your career, foreign living situation, partner and/or marriage. I, however, can make the following predictions with a level of confidence:

Career: You will do some work you find very fulfilling and some work you find boring, perhaps even insulting. You will do it because you like to eat food and sleep in a place that isn’t a park bench or a highway overpass. You may not always be able to make all these things work out at the same time, or maybe you will.

Foreign Living: You will live abroad, or you won’t. Wherever you end up, some things will be very strange to you and others very familiar. You will experience the true wisdom of the ancient proverb, “Wherever you go, there you are.”

Partner: You’ll have one or more, unless you don’t. Experiences with partners or the pursuit of partners will teach you much about the need for self-reliance and self-confidence, but you may decide to ignore these lessons or pretend you never heard them. Lots of people do that. They’re usually not very happy.

Marriage: Your marriage situation will depend on your partner, or partners, or lack thereof. The stars say it’s too soon to ask about marriage when you’re still trying to figure out if you’re going to have a job, live in a place, or know people.

What year will I be married if I am born on [month and day redacted] 1995 in [place redacted]?

The stars predict you will marry at some point between 2015 and the end of your natural life. The stars say the end of your natural life could come at any moment, but is less likely to happen quickly or unexpectedly if you avoid major risks, like skydiving, eating raw shellfish, and investing in multi-level marketing schemes.

The stars were extremely concerned that I warn you about the multi-level marketing schemes.

How will I see my destiny or my “soul & life purpose” based on my natal chart?

The stars say that’s none of my damn business.


There’s more wise advice where this came from. Buy me a coffee or ask a mystical question in the comments for mystical, caffeinated answers. Or read the rest of the series.

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The Stars Hate You, Vol. 1: Misfortune Stalks Me, Plus How Birth By C-Section Affects Your Horoscope

The Stars Hate You is an astrological advice column in which I never actually do astrology. Questions may be edited for grammar and to conceal personal information about the asker. Past installments may be found on the main page.

Misfortune Stalks Me

The Question: Can someone help me with my chart? I have been suffering since September 2017. Friends and relatives turned into enemies. I have no career and no respect. I am always depressed. [Date, time and place of birth]?

Your stars say you have developed the habit of blaming things, people or influences outside yourself for your misfortunes.

Sometimes those things did play a role in your situation and sometimes they didn’t. The problem is that when you blame something outside your own control, you give away the power you have to change the situation.

Your stars say you do have power to change your situation – probably more than you realize – but the less you exercise it, the more you feel you can’t. You probably haven’t been exercising that power for several years, which would explain why you now feel as if you don’t even have that power in the first place.

Try starting with small things, like choosing to stand up and stretch even when you’d ordinarily stay stuck to the couch, or asking yourself whether the snack you’re reaching for is the thing you really want in the moment.

These little decisions will help rekindle your latent ability to make bigger decisions, like whether to work on rebuilding a relationship or to make a career change. The stars indicate that while not every aspect of your relationships or career are within your control, your power lies is identifying the aspects that are in your control and focusing your efforts on them.

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How I Escaped My Mother

The Question: How does a C-section affect one’s birth chart or astrological sign?

It doesn’t.

Classical astrology holds that the influences of the planets and their positions in the zodiac don’t actually happen to your physical body. Rather, they are picked up by your soul as it descends through the “spheres” (the spherical orbits of the five planets known to antiquity, plus the moon and sun, as they orbit Earth). The spheres add influences particular to their sphere, which are further affected by whichever zodiac sign that planet appears to be hanging out in at the time of your birth, from the perspective of the place on Earth you are born.

Your star-influenced soul is then sucked into your body when you take your first breath.

(You can read about this process in detail here.)

So as long as you took a first breath, it doesn’t matter how you escaped your mother’s womb to do it.

Need advice? Drop a comment on this post or DM me via Twitter @danialexis.

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