the stars hate you

The Stars Hate You, Vol. 1: Misfortune Stalks Me, Plus How Birth By C-Section Affects Your Horoscope

The Stars Hate You is an astrological advice column in which I never actually do astrology. Questions may be edited for grammar and to conceal personal information about the asker. Past installments may be found on the main page.

Misfortune Stalks Me

The Question: Can someone help me with my chart? I have been suffering since September 2017. Friends and relatives turned into enemies. I have no career and no respect. I am always depressed. [Date, time and place of birth]?

Your stars say you have developed the habit of blaming things, people or influences outside yourself for your misfortunes.

Sometimes those things did play a role in your situation and sometimes they didn’t. The problem is that when you blame something outside your own control, you give away the power you have to change the situation.

Your stars say you do have power to change your situation – probably more than you realize – but the less you exercise it, the more you feel you can’t. You probably haven’t been exercising that power for several years, which would explain why you now feel as if you don’t even have that power in the first place.

Try starting with small things, like choosing to stand up and stretch even when you’d ordinarily stay stuck to the couch, or asking yourself whether the snack you’re reaching for is the thing you really want in the moment.

These little decisions will help rekindle your latent ability to make bigger decisions, like whether to work on rebuilding a relationship or to make a career change. The stars indicate that while not every aspect of your relationships or career are within your control, your power lies is identifying the aspects that are in your control and focusing your efforts on them.

the stars hate you 1

How I Escaped My Mother

The Question: How does a C-section affect one’s birth chart or astrological sign?

It doesn’t.

Classical astrology holds that the influences of the planets and their positions in the zodiac don’t actually happen to your physical body. Rather, they are picked up by your soul as it descends through the “spheres” (the spherical orbits of the five planets known to antiquity, plus the moon and sun, as they orbit Earth). The spheres add influences particular to their sphere, which are further affected by whichever zodiac sign that planet appears to be hanging out in at the time of your birth, from the perspective of the place on Earth you are born.

Your star-influenced soul is then sucked into your body when you take your first breath.

(You can read about this process in detail here.)

So as long as you took a first breath, it doesn’t matter how you escaped your mother’s womb to do it.

Need advice? Drop a comment on this post or DM me via Twitter @danialexis.

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satire, fiction and humor

The Stars Are You: Predictive-Text Horoscopes

I have spent the last week with what might be COVID-19.

I say “might be” because although my spouse (who also had a fever, coughing, shortness of breath and chills) was tested 10 days ago, we still do not have test results.

I’m not quite back up to speed after a week of Schrodinger’s Coronavirus, which means more predictive text instead of me actually doing research or giving advice.

I uploaded the top 20 Google search results for “weekly horoscopes” into Botnik. Here’s the median horoscope for each sun sign for the week of April 13, 2020.

predictive horoscopes


You’re experiencing motivation to get lost in power. You might suddenly increase productivity if you don’t volunteer for anything.

Important decisions are working against your sense of humor. Avoid decorations.


You’ve always wanted to indulge your feelings about discrimination, but others will appreciate it if you don’t. Allow yourself to think of your money today, because you will enjoy it.

All your options are more emotional than kids. Go online via Skype to feel sexy.


This week begins as a major personal evolution finds everyone but you. Your job is not rationally possible: It doesn’t respect sexting.

If you don’t allow the stars to take over your life, you may not get lucky. Try channeling yoga.


This time, feeling heard is possible – it just isn’t enough. People who dwell on social distancing and make financial decisions become anxious.

Your relationship with Friday night is impossible. Thousands of hot people are telling you to cut it out.


Fiery Mars tussles with wayward Uranus. That’s because today you’re single.

Karma powers your work today, always up for a little extra action. That life you need is basically too much.


Virgo, this weekend finds you sending people your life advice again. Just once, could you stop?

Subjecting yourself to others is going to require your creative fantasies to stay hidden. That’s because you can’t be honest about your ambitions without a good reason – like the bleak future that waits for you.


September is not, rationally, a thing anymore. Soon you may find that this is all you have.

No desire for someone will be more emotional than your love for diplomacy. As corny as it sounds, just because you’re adaptable to karma doesn’t mean you can make anything happen.


Life might feel frightening, because your partner is basically guaranteed to push you into a major accident. Drop them,

Plenty of chances to explain yourself will follow you this weekend. Among people, you feel eager to connect, but don’t let that override your vision of the world.


Strategic thinking, starting tonight, deepens your relationship with humor. Life is your forte.

A new job materializes and immediately destroys human courtesy. Renovations between yourself and others will benefit you less than you need.


Are you approaching your own work without feeling super chatty? During this period of self-adjustment, impossible problems will dramatically increase.

Your productivity is valuable but ultimately heavy. Choices you make should be wise, but you won’t.


Seldom have so many people told you, “Don’t pay for expert knowledge,” yet you instinctively put your money into spiralling products. Today could be significant.

Instead, become unavailable to your inbox. Brainwaves like this one could enable you to initiate important conversations with others.


Today your chart requires you to undergo uncertainty about something that you should do. The more you feel protective of yourself, the less your energies will telescope.

Especially during Tuesday, text messages for yourself to your crush. Life is pretty high, and you don’t have many enjoyable months left.

I am not an astrologer and this is not advice. Please do not let a Markov chain inform your choices this week.