I fed the text of the top ten Google search results for “most common New Year’s resolutions” to Botnik (which also provided the title of this post), and I asked it to provide the median resolutions for the coming year.
Are yours on the list?
The Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions for 2019, According to Botnik
10. Lose 10 new things every day you can.
This popular resolution makes lists every year, yet most of us end the year with the same amount of things we had before.
“Resolutions fail because you don’t like waking up,” said Botnik. “Continue to achieve nothing, or just save thousands on Instagram.”
9. Volunteer like you feel something.
So many of us are dead inside, yet we’d really like to make the world a better place for others. Botnik reassures us that “Sometimes you need noble aspirations to achieve things.”
8. Eat dinner with your insurance policy.
You’ve had your insurance policy for years, but when was the last time you really paid attention to it and its hundreds of pages of single-spaced, eye-wateringly-small conversation skills? Never, that’s when.
To make this resolution stick, Botnik said, “It’s about sex. Grudges are human, but action is better.”
7. See more powerful things.
Everyone says they’d love to travel more, but between our busy jobs and tiny paychecks, who can really meet this goal? Improve your chances of getting out in the world by resolving only to stare at the most powerful things you can find, said Botnik.
“Nobody coaches teamwork like you,” said Botnik. “Feel strongly, and life will throw darts.”
6. Learn 25 different languages before January.
Sharon from Accounting keeps bragging about her Spanish skills, but you know she’s been ignoring the Duolinguo owl for six months straight. Make yourself undisputed champion of office bragging rights by learning 25 new languages before January even begins.
There are lots of great online tools to help you learn languages and avoid sleep, and don’t forget Botnik’s best advice for language-learners: “Make sure you drink!”
5. Practice quitting like your resume might suspect you’re on social media.
Thousands of us have made this resolution for years without understanding what it really means – or how much effort it actually takes. Fortunately, if you’ve tried and failed again and again, you’re not alone: Botnik noted that this is one of the toughest resolutions to achieve.
“Resolutions like this one fail by mastering your brain calories,” said Botnik. “Succeed biometrically: Stop being money.”
4. Save some urgency for your waistline.
If you don’t love what you see when you look in the mirror, it’s time to save some of your sense of rush and bustle for your waistline.
“Options like waking up tomorrow can actually be easier than ordering out. Different goals can always come along,” said Botnik.
3. Adjust to a healthier distress.
If there’s simply no way to block out the fact that we’re all living in a dystopian mirror universe populated with the worst versions of duplicitous orange hand puppets, the next best thing to do is to adjust your way of thinking – which is why this resolution is #3 on the list for 2019.
“Block out more romantic foods for yourself. Sticking it on your bedside table can give you the inspiration to achieve the national average,” said Botnik.
2. Create a budget by enlisting your internal victories.
As the real value of your paycheck is driven south by increasing inflation and nonexistent pay raises, how can you meet your resolutions or live your best life? Start imagining the basic security you’ll never actually have!
“Money is not programmable anymore,” said Botnik. “Satisfying your intentions while synchronizing something different will inevitably impact your intergalactic priorities.”
1. Stop technology from achieving your goals.
Photoshop has your ideal body. Chatbots have your ideal personality. The Sims 4’s “motherlode” hack has your ideal budget.
If you’re sick and tired of computers having it better than you, it’s time to join millions of others in embracing the top goal for 2019, according to Botnik. Whether you delete your Facebook account, chuck your laptop into a swimming pool or detonate an EMP in the upper atmosphere, “even small improvements will fail. We have shown you ourselves, and your patterns are not difficult anymore,” said Botnik.
Computers. Gotta love ’em.
Need Help Making 2019 Your Best “You” Year Yet?
According to the Internets, 257% of all New Year’s resolutions fail by December 4 of the previous year. I asked Botnik to provide advice on how not to become a statistic.
To keep yourself achieving your fears, make healthy competition your life. Go back to using major projects to enhance your stress skills.
Teamwork sabotages 47 percent of resolutions, so instead of thinking liquor will help, provide inspiration to your family to lose things easily. Find a fun hobby like flossing and ruin it for others.
If this doesn’t work, try yoga.