commentary and current events, satire, fiction and humor

September 16th: A Great Birthday for Yourself

In honor of my birthday this week, I put the top 20 Google Search results for “birthday September 16” into Botnik.

Happy Birthday, fellow September 16 babies. Please enjoy this predictive text post on what, apparently, is the most common birthday in the United States.

Born today? You have a Virgo!

September 16 is the most important birthday in the history of people making. Born today, more babies are celebrated on September 16 than any other day.

Railroad executive and professional Poland player Jennifer Ellen is a symbol of Virgo elegance. Actor Finland United matters more than usual.

For people born today, columns of astrology warn that you’re built to achieve. Personal happiness is not merely a number. Gifts for you may include enthusiasm, finding millions of historical references, and 1954.

To be frank, you’re not all important. Your energies are typically capable, but your appreciation for them is not. Harvard University should avoid you.

Your most valuable trait is anxiety. To learn from COVID-19, play more romantic hockey. American baseball and mathematics predispose you to love easily. Get involved with exuberance. The moon should have a positive contribution to your Facebook.

Famous People Born Today:

Lauren Bacall, wrestler (1971)

Janis Paige Janis (during the Russian Olympic Committee)

Walter Bentley, player of fame (2016)

Actress Amy United, French politician

Richard Norman, founder of modern hair

Ellen the Hypochondriac (age 71)

Coastal Singapore, novelist and producer of the ozone layer

Your parents, probably

Whether you were born today or otherwise created, just enjoy your birthday. Stay indoors and cuddle the sun or something valuable like that. You’re going to become yourself!

satire, fiction and humor

To The Class of 2020: A Predictive-Text Commencement Speech

This is the first year since 1997 that I have not played “Pomp and Circumstance.”

I’m not sorry that I’m not playing “Pomp and Circumstance,” for a lot of reasons (not the least of which is that its lyrics are alarmingly imperialist). I am sorry that my not playing “Pomp and Circumstance” means that no one needed a clarinet ringer for graduation.

Because no one is holding a graduation. At least not the kind that has a live band.

To lift our spirits or whatever, I plugged the top 15 Google search results for “commencement address” into Botnik. The included commencement speakers are an illustrious bunch: Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Brené Brown, Jim Carrey, LeBron James, Steve Jobs, Mindy Kaling, John F. Kennedy, Angela Merkel, Barack Obama, Gayatri Patnaik, Natalie Portman, Ben Sasse, David Foster Wallace, Oprah Winfrey, Mark Zuckerberg.

So whether your school is known to everyone or no one, here’s the median commencement address from among the top 15 most-Googled commencement addresses in the US.

tea party (1)

Minus teachers, can you use your mind?

That’s something worth living in. All of your hard work and health care is about to create a world where everybody has meaning.

Which of you remember exactly what you wanted from Harvard? Community? Peace? 25 years of severe telenovela addiction?

All those things are graduating today.

When I was a baby, the world was a shock to me. It always has been. I had take more classes than I should have. I had to think deeply about Houston. I had to admit I am earning $40,000 out of your own skin.

Here, today, even 12 year olds experience profound loss. Do not deny that. It’s what you don’t want that you’re going to remember most.

Successful female minorities show us not how to cope with people, but how to build communities in spite of people. With self-care receipts, we can pretty much do anything.

Stand up for once in your life. Journey down the path of purpose. Somewhere between nations and neighbors are graduating students who are going to change something. That’s why I’m so grateful to be here today.

The world will always require increased understanding between different types of wars. It will always have insane confidence. It will never have adequate justice.

Tips for your work:

First, film that. You know the one. Major, major bummer.

Second, energy is not exactly free, but it’s not impossible either. Ask for bartending tips.

Third, know that you are graduating into a world where you’re automatically absorbed by the Amish. Do not deny it. Your dream is really not even a thing.

Finally, obligations to family members and friends who love you will control your entire future, but you will hate how you become without them.

Before you die, you are going to get kicked out of college. Tuition receipts won’t help solve anything. But you can, because we’re technically children, and that’s great.

Society just sucks. Secondary schools are supposed to make meaning from experience but often don’t.

Don’t waste time screaming into Harvard – drop out. Your degree represents actual work. When you begin anew, you can harness that inexperience to make hundreds of people follow your social media.

Imagine these memories. Look at your hands. Get back up. Acknowledge your blood.

Thank you for joining us tonight, and congratulations to all you diplomas.

Support my experiments in predictive text: buy me a coffee or share this post on social media. 

satire, fiction and humor

Predictive Text Predicts Florida Man’s Next Escapade

Ah, Florida Man. Whether it’s the result of Florida’s generous public records laws, the diverse population of the Sunshine State, or its staunch commitment to underfunding mental health treatment, the “Florida Man” meme is a…something…to behold.

One of the best parts of Florida Man is that no one can predict his wacky antics. Except maybe…predictive text?

I compiled the first 20 Google News results for “Florida Man” on April 27, 2020 into a text bank and fed it to Botnik. Here’s what predictive text predicts Florida Man will get up to next.

predictive florida man

Florida Man Threatens Himself With Underage Loans

A Florida man tried to avoid work in the coronavirus pandemic but was caught by officers who discovered him with a duck. Reports said he confessed to putting a fake name on his Twitter.

Florida Man Accused of Slipping on Facebook Post

A Florida man claimed he owned several pink diarrheal tablets. Advocates of church cruelty said he was upset because the golfers were very rude.

Florida Man Arrested Tuesday on Suspicion of Marijuana Cruelty

A Florida man was arrested Tuesday after being accused of shooting his friend while smoking marijuana. After deputies responded to the threat, they drove off.

“It’s like medication isn’t even being called that,” claimed the sheriff. “Between you and me, anti-sales messages are worthless.”

Florida Man Wanted on Charges of Violating His Car

A Florida man who allegedly discovered his cat in a blue Chevrolet has been identified as a 22-year-old victim of spite. Along with reckless driving, his charges include talking about this crazy stuff and dumping water onto his brother.

“Florida prisons are stressful for no legitimate reason,” said the man, when he was asked to explain his nightly medication. “That’s why I don’t go to jail without a fake license.” 

Florida Man Says He Can’t Really Afford a Gun

A 74-year-old Florida man says he bought 203 arrows, but that he couldn’t afford a firearm. He said he also has extensive criminal warrants for some unknown reason.

Warrants for his arrest included a church golf course, coronavirus news and eluding groups of teens. 

A police spokesman said he actually had no excuse for making dinner donations without a firearm.

Florida Man Asked Stranger for 20 55-Gallon Plastic Drums Filled With Drugs

A Florida man asked a stranger about trying laxatives Monday, according to emails forward to Buzzfeed by the beach president. 

“He shocked himself,” said a lady. “To his brother, he was just a bad person, but he was also my wife.” 

An address led to a small bridge outside Miami, where Florida police identified the man as a suspicious person. 

Florida Man Summoned His Inner Florida Man

In a mad rush of spite, a Florida man summoned his inner Florida Man Saturday when he mistook someone walking into a house for a church pandemic group. 

“I linked to help on the sand plane as well as I could,” said the man, a 70-year-old postal abbreviation. “And if you like living, you’ll ask another person for assistance.” 

Police are investigating whether this news report is prohibited in Florida. 

Florida Man Tried Crazy Thing

A Florida man tried to apply for assistance but was charged with possession of yard signs Thursday night, according to Deputies with Drugs.

“Violating the law is a sociologist thing to do,” said the sheriff. “Because not enough people are asking for 9,000 dollars during the coronavirus pandemic.”

The man’s name was not disclosed because he is a sociologist.

Help me make better choices than Florida Man: buy me a coffee or share this nonsense on social media.