satire, fiction and humor

Bad Carols, S2E5: My Troubles Will Teach Me Love

(For an overview of the Bad Carols project, click here. Previous episodes this season: E1E2E3, E4.)

At some point in the last ten years or so, radio stations started trying to round out the annual rotation of Christmas music by adding songs that aren’t really Christmas songs, but that mention snow or use the word “Christmas” in passing. I’m thinking of songs like Wham!’s “Last Christmas” (a year-round tune when I was a wee one growing up in the Wham! era) or Dan Fogleburg’s “Same Old Lang Syne,” a song that has nothing to do with Christmas at all except that the story happens on Christmas Eve.

“Pop song that’s not really about Christmas but is a Christmas tune now” has been a sorely overlooked genre in the Bad Carols series to date. This song aims to correct that problem.

As always, lyrics are by Botnik; music is by me.

Score is here [pdf].
Audio file is here [mp3].

My Troubles Will Teach Me Love

Inside my heart, but underneath
The sadness that I feel
Your Christmas sweater looks so ugly
I cry for you.

Chorus: My troubles will teach me love
For my neighbor’s washing machine.
Can I tell you right up front
Your sweater saddens me?

Standard
satire, fiction and humor

Bad Carols, S2E4: Let Heavenly Music Fill Our Dreams

(For an overview of the Bad Carols project, click here. Previous episodes this season: E1E2, E3.)

Every good set of terrible Christmas carols needs at least one Victorian-esque carol intended for belting in a church on Christmas Eve with little to no regard for pitch. Given the current pandemic, I felt we especially needed such a carol in order to recreate the feeling of being in a packed church on Christmas Eve.

This is that carol.

The piano part follows the melody line only. For added church-like realism, I’ve included a backing track in an entirely different key than the sheet music.

As always, lyrics are generated by Botnik’s Christmas carol predictive-text keyboard; music is added by human.

Sheet music in C major is here [pdf].
Backing track in C major is here [pdf].
Backing track in A flat major is here [mp3].

Let Heavenly Music Fill Our Dreams

Let heavenly music fill our dreams
With cocoa and mistletoe,
It seems like years since laughter filled the air,
And you made my wish come true.

Baby, please know that I,
I want you to
stay till Christmas Day
(stay till Christmas Day).

Just believe news about fifty doves,
Doves and pumpkin pie.


Enjoyed this AI-generated nonsense? Share it with a friend! You can also buy me a coffee to keep the nonsense coming.

Standard
satire, fiction and humor

Bad Carols S2E3: This Starry Night (Brass Quartet)

(For an overview of the Bad Carols project, click here. Previous episodes this season: E1, E2.)

One of my favorite forms of the Christmas carol is the 6/8 English folk song type. Another of my favorites is anything performed by a brass ensemble.

In this piece, I’ve combined the two. “This Starry Night” is written in 6/8 for brass quartet. Lyrics are the work of predictive text; music is the work of yours truly.

As always, “enjoy.”

This Starry Night

This starry night, yeah, this season brings
Fiddles and seventh chords troubling me.
Under the dead Christmas tree you and I go,
As another Christmas Day blows.

From near and far come merrily down
The chimney, turtle doves, oh!
Merry and bright and may we see
Your pretty face in the snow?

Just like the islanders don’t need you
You know that I need you
Winter wind blows our hats away
Night, oh starry night, see everywhere!

Score here [pdf]
Audio here [mp3]

Standard